EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE - obsession
2016. This series specifically focuses on six toxic emotions: obsession, ambivalence, anxiety, depression, disassociation, & instability. These pages, with my text, my feelings, & my face, form the Emotional Language of my life. All of my faults, all of my deepest fears & nagging thoughts, are painfully exposed, page by page.
The working title for this project when I developed it was "Me book." It then shifted into "Borderline Book," & that title still fits.
At present (2019) BPD has less of a hold on me, but when I was first creating Emotional Language, I was deeply unaware of how toxic my obsession was. At the time, I thought this project was a means to finally (and healthily) express the truths building in my heart. In my original statement I wrote, "Each page functions as a letter to a certain unattainable person in my life. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, this is the best I can do."
this is probably killing me. i’m looking at you from afar. it feels like it’s killing me. why can’t i stop?
the only thing i do is bite my lip & hope for the best… but mostly i just cry.
i’m so scared. it’s been an hour. why aren’t you replying? did i do something wrong?
it’s been a day. do you hate me? i don’t blame you.
… i’m sorry.
staying silent is tearing me apart. & i think you know how much it hurts.
i wish i could just tell you how i feel already. just get it over with… & ruin things.
i wish this wasn’t so complicated. maybe in some other life, it’s easier. maybe.
you’re the only one who keeps me going. but i can’t even have you. so what’s the point?
It's particularly painful looking back on this project, as someone no longer ensnared in those toxic emotions, & no longer ensnared in that toxic relationship. But I hope my emotional language connects to others in similar situations, & I hope it inspires them to seek recovery & stride toward healthier self-talk.