EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE - INSTABILITY
2016. This series specifically focuses on six toxic emotions: obsession, ambivalence, anxiety, depression, disassociation, & instability. These pages, with my text, my feelings, & my face, form the Emotional Language of my life. All of my faults, all of my deepest fears & nagging thoughts, are painfully exposed, page by page.
The working title for this project when I developed it was "Me book." It then shifted into "Borderline Book," & that title still fits.
At present (2019) BPD has less of a hold on me, but when I was first creating Emotional Language, I was deeply unaware of how toxic my obsession was. At the time, I thought this project was a means to finally (and healthily) express the truths building in my heart. In my original statement I wrote, "Each page functions as a letter to a certain unattainable person in my life. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, this is the best I can do."
you say i can be unstable at times. i agree. i’m unstable. a mess.
i can never stay level. i’m either too “up” or too “down.”
i love me. i hate me. i love me. i hate me. i love me. i hate me.
i’m not okay. i’m uncomfortable in my own skin. i hate regressing. i hate how weak i am.
everything is doublethink. everyone is lying to me.
no one cares about me.
all they want to do is fix me. i’m crazy —
a fire they need to put out.
all i’m good at is spiraling out of control. & make others worry about me. selfish.
i’m inadequate. pathetic. disgusting. worthless. i mean nothing — even to you. especially you.
It's particularly painful looking back on this project, as someone no longer ensnared in those toxic emotions, & no longer ensnared in that toxic relationship. But I hope my emotional language connects to others in similar situations, & I hope it inspires them to seek recovery & stride toward healthier self-talk.