EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE - disassociation
2016. This series specifically focuses on six toxic emotions: obsession, ambivalence, anxiety, depression, disassociation, & instability. These pages, with my text, my feelings, & my face, form the Emotional Language of my life. All of my faults, all of my deepest fears & nagging thoughts, are painfully exposed, page by page.
The working title for this project when I developed it was "Me book." It then shifted into "Borderline Book," & that title still fits.
At present (2019) BPD has less of a hold on me, but when I was first creating Emotional Language, I was deeply unaware of how toxic my obsession was. At the time, I thought this project was a means to finally (and healthily) express the truths building in my heart. In my original statement I wrote, "Each page functions as a letter to a certain unattainable person in my life. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, this is the best I can do."'
people zone out. they daydream, wander. but not like me.
i’ll try to explain.
people feel bad, but not this bad.
their mind never leaves their body.
i can’t believe that’s my body. it’s so ugly. so flawed.
it’s not me.
sometimes i find it hard returning to myself.
the numbness feels so much better.
sometimes i can’t ground myself. can’t find myself.
i don’t want to come back.
it’s much more satisfying living in my head. isn’t that sad?
but that’s my reality.
i’m ashamed. i can’t tell anyone how my brain really works. not even you.
if you knew how crazy i was, you’d leave.
everyone would leave me. every. one.
It's particularly painful looking back on this project, as someone no longer ensnared in those toxic emotions, & this severe dysphoria. But I hope my emotional language connects to others in similar situations, & I hope it inspires them to seek recovery & stride toward healthier self-talk.