EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE - depression
2016. This series specifically focuses on six toxic emotions: obsession, ambivalence, anxiety, depression, disassociation, & instability. These pages, with my text, my feelings, & my face, form the Emotional Language of my life. All of my faults, all of my deepest fears & nagging thoughts, are painfully exposed, page by page.
The working title for this project when I developed it was "Me book." It then shifted into "Borderline Book," & that title still fits.
At present (2019) BPD has less of a hold on me, but when I was first creating Emotional Language, I was deeply unaware of how toxic my obsession was. At the time, I thought this project was a means to finally (and healthily) express the truths building in my heart. In my original statement I wrote, "Each page functions as a letter to a certain unattainable person in my life. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, this is the best I can do."'
can i give up? am i allowed to give up? or is that selfish?
because i’m not getting better. i never will.
i only feel worse the longer i’m here.
just give up. you’re wasting their time. you’re staying too long.
but i’m afraid. it’s all just thoughts. it always is.
maybe i’ll die at 27, just like all the greats. but i doubt fate will be that kind.
all i want to do is sleep & cry. & eventually die,
sooner rather than later.
i’m not the strong or brave person you thought i was.
i’m weak. i’m tired.
i’ve been hurting way too long. i wish i could keep going.
for you. but…
It's particularly painful looking back on this project, as someone no longer ensnared in those toxic emotions… & such severe suicide ideation. But I hope my emotional language connects to others in similar situations, & I hope it inspires them to seek recovery & stride toward healthier self-talk.