EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE - anxietY
2016. This series specifically focuses on six toxic emotions: obsession, ambivalence, anxiety, depression, disassociation, & instability. These pages, with my text, my feelings, & my face, form the Emotional Language of my life. All of my faults, all of my deepest fears & nagging thoughts, are painfully exposed, page by page.
The working title for this project when I developed it was "Me book." It then shifted into "Borderline Book," & that title still fits.
At present (2019) BPD has less of a hold on me, but when I was first creating Emotional Language, I was deeply unaware of how toxic my obsession was. At the time, I thought this project was a means to finally (and healthily) express the truths building in my heart. In my original statement I wrote, "Each page functions as a letter to a certain unattainable person in my life. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, this is the best I can do."
i’m easily overwhelmed. i overwhelm myself. i’m overwhelmed by myself. i exhaust myself.
i’m going to be late. i’m going to be late. i’m 30 minutes early. i’m 30 minutes early.
i OVER ANALYZE every detail of every scenario. of every relationship. every. single. thing.
i obsess over words i mumbled & stuttered. words i never said at all. why didn’t i?!
i’m afraid of failure so i fixate on every mistake. you say i’m relentlessly cruel to myself.
can they hear my voice shake? do they know how fragile i am? how weak i am?
i can’t finish anything. it’s time to shut down. i don’t have enough time. sorry.
i stay up at night, mind racing, worrying. you’re wrong. you’re lying. i’m a failure.
It's particularly painful looking back on this project, as someone no longer ensnared in those toxic emotions, & no longer ensnared in such heavy depression & anxiety. But I hope my emotional language connects to others in similar situations, & I hope it inspires them to seek recovery & stride toward healthier self-talk.