EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE - INSTABILITY
2016. This series specifically focuses on six toxic emotions: obsession, ambivalence, anxiety, depression, disassociation, & instability. These pages, with my text, my feelings, & my face, form the Emotional Language of my life. All of my faults, all of my deepest fears & nagging thoughts, are painfully exposed, page by page.
The working title for this project when I developed it was "Me book." It then shifted into "Borderline Book," & that title still fits.
At present (2019) BPD has less of a hold on me, but when I was first creating Emotional Language, I was deeply unaware of how toxic my obsession was. At the time, I thought this project was a means to finally (and healthily) express the truths building in my heart. In my original statement I wrote, "Each page functions as a letter to a certain unattainable person in my life. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, this is the best I can do."
bitter — that’s the first word that comes to mind when i think of myself.
bitterness is the only thing holding me together… but it’s also tearing me apart.
& that bitterness makes me act out. makes me spiteful. makes me spit passive aggressive venom.
in my bitterness i feel abandoned. & i accuse you of not caring. of course you do.
then i turn off my phone for hours at a time. i’ll deal with the fallout later. i smile.
i know this will hurt you, but i type it anyway. i know this will hurt me, but i say it anyway.
you say it’s just an act. but i worry that i am truly a bad person.
i don’t want to hurt anyone. especially you.
but what if i truly am manipulative?
It's particularly painful looking back on this project, as someone no longer ensnared in those toxic emotions, & no longer ensnared in that toxic relationship. But I hope my emotional language connects to others in similar situations, & I hope it inspires them to seek recovery & stride toward healthier self-talk.